there's so much to think about. {warning! random thoughts ahead}
i wish so much that there was more time to do things that i want to do. being a mother is a full-time, 24/7 position, at the constant beckon call of the little guy. don't get me wrong, i love being a mother. there is so much joy and happiness that comes from being a parent. the other side? impatience, desire for alone time, wishing time would speed up during the day, frustration when he poops in the bathtub for the umpteenth time, i'm so guilty of these thoughts. by the end of the day, i'm so ready to just collapse into a huge bowl of salted caramel chocolate pretzel ice cream with oatmeal chocolate chip cookies piled on top, curled up in a blanket watching gilmore girls. and there's nothing wrong with that, but there are so many things i want to learn. to sew, to knit, to be a better deep-cleaner, to be a better organizer, and so much more. but there never seems to be enough time or energy that i have during the day. i'm just going to do my best to enjoy the time i have with my little guy, my hubby and i know that these things will someday be learned. someday, maybe. and if not, oh well!
then there comes the question, when should number two come along? it's something that we've been thinking about for a little while now, and no definite answer has come along yet. we know that it is something that is strictly personal between john and i, and we intend to keep it that way, but it's so hard to make that decision. how much time in between kids should there be? will they be friends? will my second pregnancy go as well as my first? all of these questions haunt my mind. i know that there will never be a perfect situation, so we will just see what happens. and whenever it happens, we will be so thrilled.
speaking of ice cream, I LOVE ICE CREAM. there's just nothing like it.
john and i will be celebrating three years of marriage in may. where the heck did that time go? three years of marriage, three moves across the country, one beautiful baby boy, and a habit of living in super expensive places. they've been tough, blissful, challenging, wonderful years. we've been through supreme highs, and breaking lows. many smiles, many tears. each day has been a learning experience. but man, i'm so blessed. john is the most incredible human being on this planet. he's so handy, so smart, so hard working. sometimes i think, how in the HECK did i land a guy like this? i think about what my life would be like without him, and it would be a whole lot less fun. sometimes i think about what i contribute to our marriage. being a stay-at-home mom, i sometimes can feel lame, unproductive, and lazy. but then i remember a quote from Neal A. Maxwell: "You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today's world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms." i always keep this quote in the back of my mind. by being the best parent i can be today, i'm making the world a better place.
i just want to go outside in the pouring rain and lay down. feeling the water on my face, in my hair, sounds so refreshing to me.
also, i feel like blasting music and just busting a flippin' move. not giving a care about who saw me or what they would think. wouldn't that be the best? sometimes i wonder why i care so much about what people think about me. i really try not to care about what people think, but i can't pretend that i don't. it just happens. when i think about a situation that happened with someone that's in the past that may have not ended well, i just want to go back in time and fix it. i try and tell myself to move on, to move forward. songs, poems, and quotes talk about the importance of moving on, closing that chapter and writing a new one. for me, that's extremely difficult to do. i torture myself with this, and hate it so much. as much as i enjoy the present, i can't quite let go of the past. maybe it's my age? maybe it's because i miss those times so much, i just don't ever want them to go away? anyone else have problems with this? help and love would be greatly appreciated.
on a happier note, i just want to snuggle a brand newborn puppy. preferably a shar-pei. the more wrinkles the better. or go to a spa and get a full-body massage! that would be the best.
i'm pretty much obsessed with the books that i'm reading right now. i absolutely love to read. i'm gonna go and do that right now, and probably fall asleep with the book in my hand with the lamp on. wouldn't be the first time.
love you all, thank you for reading.
{picture credit: Hannah Fine Photography}
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